My parents are the most closed-minded people
I have ever met.
All they do is scorn me for my differences;
They do not appreciate nor value me.
What kind of parent says this to their child?:
"I don’t think you were made for me."
All they see are my flaws.
Rarely do I hear praise from them
When I have accomplished something
Of utmost importance to me,
If ever at all.
In their eyes,
Everything that I do is wrong;
Nothing that I do ever pleases them.
And all that matters to them is
Their fucking television and their fucking material things.
Of course I value those things too, somewhat.
But I know that I could live without those things.
And I know that these things pale in comparison
To the other aspects of life which do not come with a price tag:
Love, friendship, laughter, trust, empathy.
I cannot imagine ever being a parent
If all I were to do upon coming home
Was to drink and live my life at home
In a never-ending drunken haze.
What hurts the most is probably that I
Hardly know these people
And I no longer even have the desire to.
I see what my mother values:
Not what I have accomplished as a human being
But the way in which I appear.
I know that someday I will die;
And I do not want people to remember me
For looking good.
I want to be remembered as this:
Someone who made others feel good;
Someone who made people laugh;
Someone who had a positive impact on society;
Who was accepting and loving;
Who stood fast when things got tough;
Who was a shoulder to cry on;
And did not abandon those in need.
If there is such a thing as hell,
Then I have already been there.
Hell is listening to people argue about the same shit
Day in and day out.
Hell is being berated, belittled, shot down, made to feel worthless
By someone who is supposed to care about you.
Hell is living in a home bereft of love; connection.
They tell me that I waste my time.
Maybe I am but,
Every day that they spend in a loveless marriage
Is a bigger waste of time
Than anything else I can imagine.
One day I am just going to disappear.
I will go far away from here,
And I will never look back,
I will start a new life on my own
And never return.
The only thing that keeps me going
Is knowing that there must be
Something better out there.
I know that there is…there must be
A light at the end of this tunnel,
But it’s still so far away.
